There's a lot of them,
but OF COURSE, they're all good!
I stopped at the bookstore, but they didn't have any porn, so I left. The woman asked if she could help me find anything. I said, "Yes,... Jesus." He wasn't there, either.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I realized things were at their worst when, after several years of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life just isn't for everyone."
Poor people are crazy; Rich people are eccentric.
Do unto others, before some prick does it to you.
If Harley-Davidson made airplanes, would you fly on one?
Never get into an argument with idiots--they will only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Just remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It's all fun and games until someone's bleeding...then it's a sport!
When
a little kid asks me why is it raining, I think a cute thing to say is,
"because God's crying."
And when that little kid asks me why God is crying, I think a cute thing to say
is, "probably because of what you've done."
Last year I gave my wife a burial plot for her birthday. She never used it, so this year I'm not getting her anything.
"It's Redundant!"
"It's Redundant!"
- - R.E. Dundant
Department of Redundancy Department
They who fart in church sit in their own pew.
My only flaw is that I'm perfect.
I've been on a diet for fourteen days and so far I've lost two weeks.
I smile because I have no idea what is going on.
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your
day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
"America is like a melting pot--the people at the bottom get
burned and the scum float to the top."
- - - Charlie King, folk singer
My job gives me just what I need... An excuse to drink.
